THEN: President John F. Kennedy asks FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover to send files on Republicans to the White House. Hoover, after a hearty laugh, says, "Sure, Jack, and why don't I send over the Marilyn Monroe jacket while I'm at it?" Kennedy drops the subject.
NOW: President Bill Clinton's staff asks FBI Director Louis Freeh to send over 300 files on Republicans. Freeh sends more than 400 with a note: "There are tons of great stuff in here. Have your college interns sift through and keep the ones you want."
THEN: First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt's White House aide: "Ma'am, I found that fingernail file you were looking for on a desk in the Lincoln Room. I put it back in your sewing drawer."
NOW: First Lady Hillary Clinton's White House aide: "Yo, ma'am, I found that law firm billing file you've been looking for. I delivered it directly to the Senate committee."
THEN: President Andrew Jackson: "What's the name of that new office boy: Robert? Robert Dole?"
NOW: Robert Dole: "No, Willard Scott, Bob Dole doesn't want to be featured on your birthday special."
THEN: Ringo Starr: I wanna hold your hand.
NOW: Kenneth Starr: I wanna indict your butt.
THEN: Chief Justice of the Supreme Court: "Mr. Clinton, do you swear to uphold the Constitution of the United States?"
NOW: Federal Court Clerk: "Mr. Clinton, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"
THEN: Secretary of Commerce (circa 1805): "Mr. President, here are the records of pirates in our area."
NOW: Secretary of Commerce: "Mr. President, here are the areas that are pirating our records."
THEN: Statue of Liberty: "Bring us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free."
NOW: Texas State Trooper Bubba: "Welcome to America. Do you prefer the billy club or the Taser?"
THEN: Soon-to-be Enslaved Central Americans: "Whoa. Get a load of those Spanish-looking dudes on the horses."
NOW: Enslaved Central Americans: "Look! It's Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford!"
THEN: Patriot: "My country, right or wrong!"
NOW: Patriot: "Get the hell off my compound!"
THEN: American militia member: "One if by land, two if by sea, and I on the opposite shore will be. Ready to ride and spread the alarm, to every Middlesex village and farm."
NOW: American militia member: "One if by black helicopter, two if by M-1 tank and I in the bunker by the henhouse shall be. Ready to take on Butch Reno if she steps foot on my property."
THEN: Explorer Henry M. Stanley introduced to Stanley Livingstone: "Dr. Livingstone, I presume."
NOW: Rapper Tupac Shakur introduced to New Age Guru Deepak Chopra: "Deepak, Tupac, Tupac, Deepak."
THEN: Russian revolutionary: "Down with the czar! Long live the Bolshevik revolution!"
NOW: Russian revolutionary: "You want to super-size that Big Mac combo?"
THEN: Sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll.
NOW: AIDS, Zima and Yanni.
THEN: Twister (The Game).
NOW: Twister (The Movie)
LATER: Twister (The Theme Park).
SHORTLY THEREAFTER: Twister (The Massive Personal Injury Lawsuit.)
