Emperor DeSoto-thinskin was not an evil man, but a witch named Power had cast a spell on him so he no longer could concentrate on the important matters of his realm. Instead of figuring out ways to make his subjects happy and financially secure, he issued strange proclamations such as "Thou shalt not consume ale at community celebrations and sporting events!" And while the village folk lived in their hovels and in tents on beaches, the Emperor enjoyed fancy lodgings at the most exquisite inns at rates so low it would make a eunuch blush.
But all was not well at the Council of Wiseacres. Some began to question the Emperor's edicts. One, Rapunzel Mirikitani, had the nerve to question why the Council was not taking action on important issues of the day. Rapunzel Mirikitani was cruelly rebuffed and began to smite himself around the head and shoulders and cry out at the Emperor's underlings.
Emperor Desoto-thinskin would not have such a display and took decisive action.
"Get thee to Da Tower!" he cried.
And, alas, Rapunzel Mirikitani was banished to the Da Tower, a tall spire on the makai-ewa side of the castle that up to then had been used only to store Christmas junk and old campaign signs.
Soon a fierce attorney, Sir John Edmunds, happened by the tower on his high horse. He heard the unhappy Rapunzel Mirikitani weeping and was touched by the prospect of free publicity. And so he yelled up to the tower: "Rapunzel Mirikitani! Rapunzel Mirikitani! Let down your
retainer."
Whereupon Rapunzel Mirikitani let down a hefty retaining fee and Sir John rode off
immediately to do battle with the Emperor.
"Before the sun sets this day, I shall slay someone with a subpoena!" Sir John yelled as he galloped off.
SIR John found Emperor DeSoto-thinskin in the Council chambers being fitted for a new budget, knitted by Special Interest Tailors and Bishop Estate Embroiderers Inc.
"There!" the imposters cried. "Isn't that budget beautiful!"
At that moment, Sir John strode into the chambers and said, "Are you guys kidding? There's nothing there. That budget is as naked as a jaybird."
Emperor Desoto-thinskin looked embarrassed.
"But that's not why I'm here," Sir John said. "I'm here about my guy up in Da Tower. Banishing a member of the Council of Wiseacres to Da Tower is a sleazy thing to do. Not to mention, it violates the Village Disabilities Act. You ever climb those stairs, chief? You need a Sherpa guide. I'm going to have to sue you back into the Iron Age."
The Emperor, being, if not wise at least someone who could see the light, said, "I will let Rapunzel Mirikitani out of Da Tower if he will guess my true name." (Up until then, most of his subjects knew they Emperor only as "Johnny.")
Rapunzel Mirikitani was brought to the chambers and began to guess the Emperor's name.
"Is it Rene?" he asked. The Emperor laughed and said no.
"Is it John Henry Felix?" he asked. The Emperor giggled and said no.
"Is it ... John DeSoto-thinskin?" Rapunzel Mirikitani asked with glee.
"The devil told you that!" the Emperor shrieked.
"Close," said Sir John, "We got it from your campaign spending records. Now, hand over the keys to my client's office and for God sakes, man, get some clothes on."
And they all lived weirdly until the next election.
