Ho-hum.
The upcoming Aloha State Games?
Zzzzzz . . .
The Extreme Games?
Extremely boring.
Forget those overblown media events. It's time for the ultimate in athletic endeavor: the Waikiki Games.
There is no qualifying, practice or even a shred of dedication needed to compete in these Games. And in lieu of a drug test, participants will only be screened to make sure they are actually alive.
So if you have a pulse - or can at least work up a few heartbeats for the test - you're in.
The lavish opening ceremonies are set. Instead of a silly torch run and lighting, the Waikiki Games will begin when the official couch starts on fire.
Let me explain. Two weeks ago, a man was evicted from his Ala Wai apartment, along with his cat and couch. So he tossed a lit cigarette butt into the couch out on the street and it has been smoldering ever since. When that couch stuffing starts blazing: LET THE GAMES BEGIN!
THERE are several new events this year. Programs will be distributed by the same glassy-eyed guys who pass out steak and lobster coupons on the corners. But here are the highlights:
Instead of the pole vault, there will be a pogo stick race - only without the pogo stick.
I offered this idea after watching a man hop down Kuhio Avenue one night as if he was on a pogo stick. Either someone had stolen his pogo stick and he didn't realize it, or he simply decided not to buy one, to cut down on the high cost of living here.
Anyway, he was an awesome sight, bouncing in perfect rhythm down Kuhio. It was a late hour and he did smell of cheap wine, but he still gets credit for starting an exciting event.
There will also be the stolen bicycle race. I saw a lad zig-zag his way down a Waikiki side street once while eluding the police. He had as much pedaling skill as any Tour de France winner.
Then there will be the thrilling TheBus demolition derby, with buses full of sitting and standing passengers. Hang on, folks!
A related transportation event will be taxi driver boxing. I saw two cabbies duke it out while they were recruiting some Hanauma Bay fares once - and it would have made Don King grin. Plus, they were screaming at each other in different languages, which gave the Kapahulu Avenue setting a foreign flair.
One of my favorites is the hooker 40-yard dash. High heels clacking on the sidewalk and miniskirts flapping. Wow. There will also be a Dream Team poster from this late-night competition on Kalakaua Avenue. Hey, if you can put an ug-mo like Scottie Pippen on a poster, why not?
Here's another good one: High-speed hula. Instead of the ancient and traditional dance, the Waikiki Games will get those hips a movin' in double-time.
And this is a good way to practice: Have someone videotape you doing the hula, then put it on fast-forward on your VCR at home. When you match the fast-forward speed, you're there.
Here's one that will include our many respected and valuable visitors from the mainland and foreign nations: the Tourist Toss.
Several off-duty sumo wrestlers get to wander the Waikiki streets and snatch any undersized and unsuspecting tourists of their choice. Then they'll head over to the Ala Wai Golf Course, which will be closed for the day.
Each tourist will be tossed for 18 holes and - just like golf - whoever has the fewest tosses wins. There will also be tourist-closest-to-the-pin prizes on all par-3s.
Well, there is much, much more, but I'm spaced out - I mean out of space.
Remember, you only have to be breathing to compete in the Waikiki Games.
And this is strictly a "Just Say No To Pogo Sticks" event.