1. Callers said that from watching news clips on TV, it was clear the alligator didn't want to wrestle. That made it a prima facie case of abuse, they said.
So if you have to do something you don't want to do, you are abused. No wonder there are so many victims in our society. I began counting the things I had to do that day that I didn't wish to do. The list quickly passed a dozen items. And it was a holiday. Who was picketing on my behalf? Or does morality require that alligators get an easier life than humans?
2. Critics gagged at my suggestion that if our shar-pei Bingo were forced into a life of professional wrestling to make a living, it wouldn't be such a bad deal. How could I dare call myself a dog lover?
I decided to put it to the test. "Bingo," I said, "you and me. One fall. No holds barred."
I took his enthusiastic tail-wagging to mean consent. I assumed the classic grappling stance while he stood there continuing to wag his tail with that patented stupid look on his face.
My plan was to knock him down with a forearm to the chops, then take the wind out of him with an atomic drop. I would dizzy him with an airplane spin and finish him off by smashing his head to the mat with a piledriver.
But he's a quick little bugger if nothing else. Sensing my malevolent intent, he scampered away and began warily circling me from a distance. He realized that he would have to rely on his speed and not get into a contest of brute strength. His tail continued to wag but more mechanically now, like a metronome marking waltz time.
He started jabbing at me with his paw, quickly retreating whenever I made a move toward him. Gaining confidence, he crouched in front of me and easily leaped away each time I made a clumsy lunge for his neck.
Finally, he caught me off balance and went for it. He sprung at my chest with all he had. The blow dropped me and he had me for a three count. But inexplicably, he stopped at the count of two and started licking his private parts. He became so engrossed in the disgusting enterprise that he seemed to forget he was in the middle of a wrestling match.
"Come on, Bingo," I said. "We'll never be the main attraction at the 50th State Fair if you're going to do that. What are all the little kids going to think?"
The advantage once again mine, I flipped him over and put him in a Boston Crab. He seemed near submission. But he managed to crawl to the edge of the squared circle and I had to let him go.
I thought I had him for good when I got him in a full nelson and could hear the bones in his neck cracking. But his reversal move landed me hard on my back.
˙dc2 HE stood over me with the many folds and wrinkles around his jowls slobbered up from the exertion. After pausing for a moment to scratch his fleas, he started licking my face. With the same tongue that only minutes earlier had been licking his private parts.
"I give!" I cried. "I give, I give!"
He rolled off of me with the satisfaction of knowing he had struck a blow for his brother, the alligator. He lay on his back inviting me to scratch the victor's chest.
I accommodated him and he drifted off with blissful eyes. "What an abused dog you are," I said.
