Changing Hawaii

By Diane Yukihiro Chang

Monday, June 3, 1996

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These people are not addicted to their computers. Problems of fidelity will not be resolved if they log off for life.

Does the word "communication" ring a bell?

Apparently it doesn't to Southern Illinois Wife, who wrote to the nationally syndicated advice columnist in last Sunday's Advertiser.

This lady lamented, "Computers may be the wave of the future, but I can attest to the fact that they are going to break up many marriages. Mine is already a near casualty. Mark my words, Ann, midlife and the Internet are an explosive combination."

Southern Illinois Wife explained how her 39-year-old husband started chatting on the Internet for fun. Then he began cheating, at least in spirit. He stayed logged on until past 2 in the morning, corresponding with women all over the nation.

A few months later, Southern Illinois Husband left Southern Illinois Wife for somebody he had met online.

Ann Landers consoled and counseled, telling the distraught woman that her only hope of reconciliation was if "Romeo agrees to get off the Internet, which is unlikely. It sounds as if the man is addicted."

Yes, he's addicted, the poor sap. People can easily become addicted to:

• Those who respond to their questions with thoughtful answers or sincere queries of their own instead of grunts, nods and other non-communicative gestures.
• Pals who share their dreams, goals and interests in a scintillating, light-hearted, give-and-take fashion.
• Folks who have something in common - like a fascination with the World Wide Web.

But it's certainly not fair for Ann Landers to blame an inanimate object like a personal computer for the disintegration of the institution of marriage.

That sweeping premise is an insult to computer nerds who don't cheat on their matrimonial vows. And it certainly doesn't explain why non-computer families ("online challenged") are experiencing the same rates of divorce.

IF I'm lucky, in my next life I'll come back as a nationally syndicated advice columnist. That way, when Southern Illinois Wife of the 21st Century writes in - accusing the World Wide Web of trying to break up her marriage - I will be able to reply.

Dear SIW of the 21st Century:

Sorry to hear about your predicament. Perhaps you should consider the following:

1) Log onto your home's second computer and correspond with your husband. Maybe you'll get a fresh perspective on this man, or at least brush up on your communication skills.

2) Sit next to him and show an interest in surfing the Internet with him. If he likes that, great. If not, he'll log off.

3) It's a lost cause. Get a divorce. Better luck next time.

4) :) and bear it.