For those who never went to a game, you missed witnessing the metamorphosis that seemingly ordinary individuals go through, turning into a wide array of greedy and evil creatures. So, in case you ever go to a game next season, be wary of the following:
Banshees: These are females scattered throughout the arena who have a severe case of the screamy-meemies. They will probably sit behind you and proceed to permanently damage your hearing. Deterrent: Ask them to pipe down a few decibels so you won't pop an eardrum. Or, bring duct tape.
Dreamers: These are people who swooned for Rick Tune and had the hots for Yuval Katz. They frequently fawn over the players and have an apparent salivary gland disorder, as noted by profuse drooling. Deterrent: Snap them out of that trance by throwing your leftover soda their way.
Tramplers: Individuals whose thoughts consist of "me, me, me,' and who have no regard for others, particularly others' feet, when scrambling for tickets and standing in lines. You must compete with them if you want autographs. Deterrent: Wear army boots.
Sign-crazies: These people can be seen frantically waving goofy signs and loudly professing their undying love to the players. Deterrent: When they leave their seats to get some munches, play a game of hide and seek using their signs.
The Jack-in-the-Box: He/she insists on standing up in front of you periodically throughout the game. Deterrent: Bring your X-ray eyes, or pray that a stray volleyball knocks him or her over.
Chummy bums: These are such great friends of the players that they're on a first-name basis with them. Bums follow players around, ask them for their underwear, propose marriage, etc. Deterrent: Ask the players' girlfriends to glare at them.
Screaming, dreaming, trampling, sign-crazy, Jack-in-the-box, banshee bum: See above. Deterrent: None available, run for your life!
WHEW, and you thought lounging at home in front of the TV to watch the games was hazardous to your health.
I know that Hawaii volleyball fans have been hailed as the greatest fans anywhere. But when they start to infringe on the rights of sane people to enjoy the games, there's cause for annoyance.
UH athletic director Hugh Yoshida should form a support group for sports fans that have gone over the edge. I can just picture it: "Hi, my name is Jennifer, and I'm a volleyball addict. I trampled innocent people at the games, and stalked the players."
Another problem is the rabid autograph hounds. The head honchos who organize the games should have figured out some kind of strategy to handle the mad dash for autographs. Having everyone line up could make the whole process a lot speedier.
When you're allotted 30 minutes to get autographs, the experience falls short of being jolly, good fun. By the time you're almost at the front of the crowd and within reach of the players, the officials usually decide to kick everyone out of the arena.
Let's just remember that the reason for all of this hype over men's volleyball is easy to understand. Simply put, the main reason that there was such an explosion of volleyball fanatics is that the team maintained a winning record and the No. 1 ranking.
Plus, the good looks of the players didn't hurt their popularity. Can you imagine how much less volleyball fans there would be if most of our players were ugly? Think about it.
Rant & Rave is a Tuesday Star-Bulletin feature allowing teens and young adults to serve up fresh perspective. What's your take on prom season? Guys and girls speak up by fax at 523-8509; by answering machine at 525-8666; snail mail at P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, HI 96802; or e-mail, featuresdesk@starbulletin.com.