Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Friday, May 3, 1996

TO: Mayo-Haters of the Earth

From: Charles Memminger, leader of the "Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club"

Re: The Global Mayo Conspiracy Finally Shows Its Hand!

These are truly dark days. The beast has finally shown himself. And it's no accident that it happened within days of our most sacred holiday: May 5th, Stinko De Mayo.

Yes, on the eve of Stinko De Mayo, the day in which people of good taste all over the world renew their vow to fight the spread of mayonnaise, a despicable story has been planted in the mainstream media alleging that mayonnaise actually is good for you. The forces of darkness have corrupted the New England Journal of Medicine and slipped in the dastardly assertion that mayo is a good source of vitamin E and is a health food. This is a lie. Mayo is not a food. Mayo is a lubricant. There are many sources of vitamin E - dead dingos, frog guts, fish eyeballs, rat fur balls, Zima - and you don't see anyone ingesting these do you? No.

But what's important here is that the evil empire of slime has finally gone public. And that means our campaign is working.

The "I Hate Mayonnaise Club" was started by your fearless leader several years ago here, in Hawaii, the spiritual vortex of mayo consumption. Mayo is worshiped here. And so, where better to launch our fight?

Last year, we put our own home page on the Internet and began the "Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club." Since then, we have gotten members from Japan to London and across the United States. We were looking forward to the first truly global celebration of Stinko De Mayo. And now we see that the game is afoot. The forces of mayodom have been flushed from hiding and now face us.

Fear not, friends. For I feel our legions are ready for this challenge. Call me Brave-No-Mayo-Heart and I will paint my face in funny colors, wear a plaid skirt and lead you into philosophical battle like a condiment-crazed Mel Gibson.

To show you that you are not alone, here are some recent letters we've received at the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club home page (www.hisurf.com/nomayo/):

• "We editors here at Air Force Magazine in Virginia couldn't be happier to have found your club! Hating mayo is a basic requirement for getting a job here."

• "I'm from Brazil and I would like to be a member of the club." - Sergio.

• "When I was 6, my mother made me a turkey sandwich and accidentally put mayo on it. I refused to eat it. I had to sit at the kitchen table until dinner. I never did eat that sandwich and I've hated her for it ever since." - Ronna.

• "Mayonnaise is the bane of all existence and ought to be abolished." - Dylan, El Portal, CA.

• "We hate mayo in Oz." - Woody, Kippax, Australia.

• "I've hated magotnaise for as long as I can remember." - Brady, Nashville, TN.

• "Mayo is the ooze of the Devil." - Jim, British Columbia.

• "The mayo conspiracy is indeed deep and dangerous. More power to you and your crusade." - Tom, Albany, N.Y.

• "The vile mess has made me cringe since birth." - Jennifer, Burlington, VT.

• "I thought I was the only one in the world with violent objections to the yellow stuff. Yours for a mayo-free planet." - Jonathan, Rhodes University, South Africa.

Honolulu Lite by Charles Memminger is a regular feature of the
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