Honolulu Lite
EUREKA, Calif. (AP) - A woman in the Eureka area is grabbing babies from total strangers and breast-feeding them, police said Monday.
(There's virtually nothing I can say about this that won't get me in trouble. Perhaps that is because I was raised on bottles.)
MILWAUKEE (Reuter) - Property belonging to serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer, including the tools he used to murder and often dismember 17 young men and boys, will be auctioned, a lawyer said Wednesday.
(From Camelot to Eatalot. Authorities should identify anyone who buys items from both the Jackie Kennedy auction and the Dahmer auction and keep them under surveillance for a good long while.)
MILWAUKEE - A judge has dismissed the lawsuit of a 73-year-old woman who claimed that a bingo board fell on her at church, causing her to begin having spontaneous orgasms, sometimes several a day.
(Welcome to Milwaukee. And they say Montana is weird. Again, there is little I can say about this that won't get me in trouble with sensitive readers. So, sensitive readers, skip the next line. They've apparently changed the name of this church to the Church of the Immaculate Orgasm.)
From a San Francisco Examiner story on dowsers: "Willy Bennett, a former aerospace engineer who now lives in Maui, says he communicates with whales via dowsing. He does this by holding his hands together and trying to pull them apart. Meanwhile, he asks questions aloud - as if the whales were listening - such as, "Are you 10 degrees north?"
Once, he asked "if they minded if I brought people out to swim with them, and the answer was 'no.' Then I asked them if they minded if I bring people out to them and charged money for it." The whales didn't respond, "like they didn't know what money is."
(Actually, the whale said, "Let them swim for free, Willy." Whales don't know what money is? Boy, whales are dumb.)
WASHINGTON (AP) - A delegation of North Korean economic experts canceled a news conference here Wednesday.
(North Korean economic experts? There's a oxymoron for you. Thanks to these "experts," North Korea is in a race with Cuba to see who's economy goes in the toilet first. What the story didn't say was that the delegation was made up of four North Korean economic experts and a sperm whale who got stuck on the Chesapeake Bay turnpike trying to figure out how to break a twenty.)
NEW YORK (Reuter) - A cruise line has scheduled a "Titanic Cruise Expedition," giving vacationers a chance to watch a 25-ton section of the ship being raised for the first time since it ran into an iceberg more than 80 years ago.
(If this is not bachi waiting to happen, I don't know what is. I can't help picturing the front of the expedition ship breaking off as it tries to lift a chunk of the Titanic. This is the kind of deal the Hex Gods live for.)
From an AP story regarding Bill Clinton allowing Iran to sell arms to Bosnian Moslems: "President Clinton's policy of virtually inviting Iran into Europe could have disastrous results for America," Gingrich said.
(Note to Louis Farrakahn - Hey, buddy, sorry for dumping on you about meeting with the ayatollahs. Turns out you, at least, were showing restraint.)
