Extra Point
By Mike Fitzgerald
Friday, April 12, 1996
We were on a beach, the moon was bright and, uh, well, I grumpily picked up the receiver.
I should have known who it would be at the other end of the line.
"Hello, kid. Uncle Al here. Thought I would catch you in the afternoon down there in Puerto Rico with the time change."
Hi, Al. It's 3 in the morning and I'm in Hawaii, not Puerto Rico. You must have rum on your mind.
"Good one, kid. But I gave up rum a long time ago. It's harder for your aunt to hide a case of beer. Anyway, did ya hear about Ike Tyson getting in hot water here in Chicago?"
Yeah, Al. It was all over the news. But it's Mike Tyson - and he hasn't been charged with anything yet. There are a lot of conflicting stories.
"The gal said he bit her on the face. Boy, if I did that to your aunt she would leave a lump on my head the size of a grapefruit. Heck, I tried to kiss her on our anniversary and she hit me with a tire iron."
This is a serious issue, Al. Why does Tyson keep putting himself in these situations, especially after going to jail for rape?
"Boxers ain't brain surgeons, kid. Remember your great grandfather, 'Irish Mist' Fitzgerald? He had a record of 0-78-1, but at least he never got in trouble with the law. He just sat in the back yard and talked to the squirrels and pigeons a lot, even in the winter when there weren't any around."
YES, I heard, Al. What about the Cubs and White Sox? Do they have a shot this year?
"Yeah, kid, the chances of both finishing out of last place are pretty good, they were saying down at the corner saloon."
The Bulls sure are having a good season, Al. They should win it all.
"I agree, kid. But I have a few questions. Why do they call him 'Hair Jordan' when he's bald as a baby's behind? And are my old eyes going or does that one guy, the bird with all the sketches on him, keep changing his hair? I kept calling the TV repairman to come out and adjust my color after every game, but then someone said it was him, not my old set going on the blink."
Yes, Al, Dennis Rodman dyes his hair frequently. He's another pro athlete who can't seem to avoid trouble.
"Yeah, I thought I had pro wrestling on the tube when he conked that ref with his noggin' - and the other guy, Van Axel, gave a ref a forearm smash."
Have you been watching the Masters on TV, Al? "Nah, just seeing all them flowers makes my hay fever act up and I start sneezing all over the coffee table. Then your aunt makes me go outside for the rest of the day, even if it's night." Sorry to hear that, Al.
"Speaking of sneezing, kid, what about Michael Erving of the Cowboys? I bet his wife put him out with the cat for a month. Shows what money can do to you. Erving has so much dough he could even stay at that fancy hotel they got raided in."
It's Michael Irvin, Al, not Erving. And it was actually an inexpensive motel, especially for someone making millions of dollars like he does.
"And then there was that guy on the Steelers, kid, Clam Morris. They found all that pot in his trunk and he acted like the guy at the gas station put it in while he was using the can."
It's Bam Morris, Al. But I agree. I don't understand why Irvin and Morris would take such chances and put their careers in jeopardy.
"Well, kid. I gotta get back to studying. I've been spending hours at it every day."
Why I'm proud of you, Uncle Al. You're taking an adult education class?
"Are you kidding, kid! I'm talking about the Racing Form. The Kentucky Derby is right around the corner and your aunt said I could go this year - as long as I promise to stay for a month."