Honolulu Lite
by Charles Memminger
Friday, March 29, 1996
I think I know. I found out by flipping through the 1996 edition of "The Old Farmer's Almanac," that quirky annual that mixes weather forecasts and articles on canning tomatoes and planting rutabagas.
The articles, however, are nothing compared to the advertisements. If the products and services being sold in the almanac are any indication, Mr. and Mrs. Heartland are nothing like Ma and Pa Kettle.
Here's a profile of the Heartlands I put together using the Almanac ads as guidance. It's not a pretty picture.
They are an active couple. They use Troy-Bilt tillers to cultivate their tomato patches and brew their own beer from kits
When Mr. Heartland isn't operating his own portable Woodmizer sawmill, he's writing poetry and entering it in contests that promise $24,000 in prizes.
Mrs. Heartland operates her own pea and bean shelling machine while little Heartland Jr. studies his mail-order VCR repair training course, hoping to eventually make $1,000 a week like "Paul B. of San Pedro, CA."
When they need a pick-me-up, the Heartlands take Vitamol tablets to keep their intestines healthy, promote proper digestion and prevent constipation.
Like all couples, Mr. and Mrs. Heartland have occasional problems with intimacy. When they do, they pop Fast Acting VitaSex tablets to increase their vigor, stamina and desire.
If Mr. Heartland won't cooperate, the missus slips him a few NSP-270 tablets secretly disguised as vitamins. That's what "Sally S. of Shreveport, LA" did.
"George now takes his 'vitamins' regularly" and Sally S. makes money on the side selling NSP-270 to her friends.
The Heartlands have an active spiritual life. (They own their own choir robes that they ordered for $26.95).
The town chapel isn't enough for the Heartlands. They use "a remarkable new way of prayer" from an outfit in Noroton, CT or they contact spiritualists "Papa John and Sister John in Jamaica, NY" who will help them with "love, money or health."
WHEN that doesn't work, they call live psychics and explore the dark side by ordering witchcraft catalogs offering "amazing occult discoveries"
Once they have secured the backing of the netherworld, they order "free lucky numbers" from the Jamestown, NC. and play the Australian lottery.
If they still need cash, they sell aluminum scrap, repair small engines and grow specialty plants in the backyard.
They buy secret family recipes through classifieds, such as the recipe for Pennsylvania Dutch Shoo-fly Pie.
But even the Heartlands can't live by Shoo-fly pie alone. For fun, they meet "Russian Ladies' and "Latin American Beauties" and "Gorgeous Asian Woman" through catalogs they receive from Tennessee.
Don't look for run-of-the-farm animals on the Heartlands' farm. They raise llamas, uncommon dogs and strange goslings that can only be had by mail.
Although Mr. and Mrs. Heartland have high blood pressure (they take Cardizem CD in the 300 mg capsules) they are trying to get healthy.
They drink Ensure Plus, because "30 years ago, we promised to always take care of each other... today we are keeping that promise."
The advertisement for Ensure Plus is interesting because it contains a lovely picture of - I suppose - the actual Mr. and Mrs. Heartland. They are a youngish-old couple toasting each other with their frothy glasses of Ensure Plus. Mrs. H seems to have a mischievous glint in her eye. I suspect she slipped a VitaSex tab into Mr. H's drink. The Heartlands really rock.
