Honolulu Lite
So I headed out to Waimanalo to talk to a few actual cows. I found a couple standing in a grassy field staring vacantly at passing cars, which I think is their job until they are eaten.
Excuse me, I said, are you cows mad?
"No, but we are kind of ticked off," said a big black-and-white Hereford.
Why's that?
"Just because a few of our European cousins come down with an illness, we suddenly aren't on the Blue Plate Special anymore. It's not fair."
You mean, you want to be eaten?
"Sure," said the other cow. "That's what we live for. But now because of the Mad Cows and Englishmen, everyone is turning vegetarian."
I thought it was better for people not to eat meat.
"Sure. Better for people. But not better for cows. Do you know that if people didn't eat us, we wouldn't exist?"
How do you figure?
"Because no one is going to waste their time raising cows like us unless they can eat us. We don't make good pets. We eat a lot and, frankly, a lot of us have a small problem with gas. We don't give milk. Basically, we just stand around waiting for the day when we are called on for the ultimate sacrifice."
And you want to do this?
"Well," the Hereford said, "it's a living. Besides, look at this leg. Doesn't it look appetizing? I've worked for years on making this leg tasty and tender. Imagine it smothered with mushroom gravy."
Well, it's kind of hard to imagine it with mushroom gravy right now. It looks all hairy and there's a bunch of flies buzzing around it.
"Picky, picky, picky. I tell you, I'm gonna be delicious."
So what is this mad cow disease anyway?
"Oh, it's just something cows get sometimes. Like a cold, only different. And if someone eats a cow that has the disease, they get big holes in their brain and die an agonizing death."
Sounds horrible.
"Yeah? Well try becoming a pot of stew sometime. That's no picnic either, buddy. So a couple humans get sick and suddenly they want to destroy 11 million cows in England. I can just see the Bovine Gestapo now, loading our poor cousins onto railroad cars for that lonely trip to the gas chambers. Our brothers, snuffed out in the prime rib of their lives without even an opportunity to end up on a barbeque spit. It's inhumane, I tell you."
BUT the cows in Hawaii are all right, right?
"Sure, for the time being. But once part of the world gets used to eating only vegetables and the occasional ostrich, the need for 'Eatin' Cows' like us will decline worldwide. Pretty soon, we'll be as extinct as the dodo bird."
So what you are saying is that in order to save you, we have to eat you?
"You got it. Hey, have you had lunch? Take a look at this hind quarter. Isn't it yummy-looking? Why don't you just whack off a hunk and make a nice roast?"
Uh, I'm really not hungry.
"You hate us, don't you," the other cow said, eyeing me sadly.
No, I don't hate you. It's just that I'm not used to talking to my food.
"Yeah, I know, it's a lot better to just see a tasty slab of ribs sitting in the meat section of the supermarket. That way, you don't have to think of what you are actually eating."
I'm sorry. I just wanted to come out and see how you were doing. People in Hawaii want to know that their meat is happy and safe.
"Well, you just go tell all your readers that the cows in Hawaii aren't mad. They're just very, very disappointed."
