Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Actually, it was only one class in one school, but who knows where it will lead? I kind of like the sound of Honolulu Lite University and Snack Bar.

Kailua Elementary School teacher Patricia Kubo sent me a nice E-mail note saying that her students had used a column from my book to spur their little imaginations. I know - a scary thought. Nevertheless, the kids got a kick out of the column in which I went through the Yellow Pages finding bizarre combinations of topics at the top of each page. For instance, a page might start out listing fireproofing companies and end listing fish dealers. The heading at the top of the page would say "Fireproofing Fish." See? That's where you'd go to buy an asbestos-lined ahi. To a bunch of elementary school kids, that's funny stuff. And it says something about the level of my humor, too.

Anyway, the kids sent me their comments. April thought a "Cellular Cemetery" would be where you bury your phone. Joshua liked the "Yoga Zoos," where twisted critters may be viewed. Chris liked the concept of "Fishing Flagpoles."

AS fate would have it, the new phone books have just arrived. And so I can continue my meager contribution to the state school system by presenting this year's wacky Yellow Page headings and the services they might provide:

• Asphalt Attorneys. (Those who get run over chasing ambulances)
• Bridal Building. (Marriage Mall?)
• Cellular Chalkboards. (The kind of stupid things I would invent.)
• Chocolate Churches. (For people who get closer to God by praying to Snickers bars.)
• Continuous Contractors. (The political insiders who have been making money on the airport construction for the past 87 years.)
• Dancing Data. (Mambo Jumbo?)
• Drilling Drug. (Novocaine?)
• Graphic Grocers. (They go into just a little too much detail when you ask how manapua is made.)
• Hair Handicapped. (Those who have perpetual bad hair days.)
• Hauling Hawaiian. (What the guys who arrested Bumpy Kanahele were doing.)
• Karaoke Karate. (A special type of martial arts used to wrestle the microphone away from large, heavily armed singers with bad voices. Just to show you how the addition of one or two new businesses can change the Yellow Pages headings dramatically, last year we had Karate Kitchens, where you could get chop steak.)
• Moisture Monuments. (Ice sculptures?)
• Party Passport. (Your ticket to good times.)
• Pizza Plants. (Like Pepperoni Petunias?)
• Plumbing Poi (For people who like their taro root ''piping'' hot.)
• Sandblasting Sausage (I have no clue what this is but it sounds pretty cool.)
• Shopping Shrimp (The type of critters you find at a seafood sale.)
• Termite Textile. (Wooden overcoat?)
• Topsoil Tourists. (Visitors who like to see Hawaii from the ground up.)
• Tree Trophies (Plumeria blossoms?)
• Wedding Welding (What happens when the priest says "I now pronounce you man and wife." Or, if same-sex marriages become reality, "I now pronounce you man and ... another man.").

Class dismissed.