Changing Hawaii

by Diane Yukihiro Chang

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Laura walked into my office one day, to thank me for writing about the scourge of domestic violence and to share her own horror stories about abuse. She also wanted to address the often-asked question, "If a lady is getting beaten up, why doesn't she just leave the guy?" Laura can tell you.

She had known "Justin" (also a pseudonym) back in high school, but they didn't start dating until 1993.

The first two years were relatively happy, until he launched the invectives. When Laura wouldn't do what Justin wanted, he'd call her names like "whore," "fat cow" and "stupid c--t." He'd say, "You think you're better than me, don't you?"

Last year, Justin got hooked on crystal methamphetamine. That's when the physical attacks began.

He'd have fits of rage and throw objects at Laura - the telephone, remote control, a TV set, plates full of food and even a boiling pot of stew.

He shattered the windshield of her car four times, and broke down doors in the bedroom and bathroom.

He choked her, pulled her hair, and once pummeled Laura's face into a bruised and bloodied pulp. After, he'd sometimes apologize, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Why did you make me do that?" More often, when Laura started crying, Justin told her to shut up.

When he left the house, Laura would call police (none of her neighbors did, although they must have heard the beatings). Sometimes, officers didn't come at all because the 911 operator told Laura she was "not a high priority."

When they did arrive, most of the cops were unsympathetic. They said things like, "This is why our parents tell us not to hang out with the wrong crowd," and "Ma'am, calm down, we deal with this every day."

Some officers went looking for Justin, but most times he was elusive. Later he would return to Laura's home, relentlessly pounding on the doors and windows. "I'd take him back, because I was scared he would hurt or kill me or my family," Laura explained. "Who was going to help us? The cops couldn't be outside my house 24 hours a day."

When Justin was arrested (eight times last year) for terroristic threatening, trespassing or harassment, he might serve a few days in jail. On release, he'd return to his life's mission of using ice and stalking Laura.

She was stressed and afraid. She slept with a knife under her pillow. "Every day, I thought I was going to die," she said. "It was like watching a bad movie with no end, and you're in it."

vdc2 WHEN Laura hears public criticism of abuse victims, she is incensed. "How dare they judge us," Laura says. "They should get in our shoes and have somebody beat them up and threaten to hurt their family."

In late 1995, Laura began seeking help. She did research, called domestic violence hotlines and started seeing a therapist. "I took my life back," she said. "I had to tell myself, 'I'm not a whore. I'm not a loser. I deserve happiness.'"

She has also obtained a three-year temporary restraining order against Justin, although he still calls once in awhile to pester her. But he hasn't been around the neighborhood lately. Recently, Laura found out why.

"Justin" has found a new girlfriend.